I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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