The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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