What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Randomize
