haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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