We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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