mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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