I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
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