I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
