I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
