I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
