He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
