why didn't you poke me back
I met the friendliest cop last night
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
