the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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