Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
