I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
