she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
