Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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