It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
