I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
