just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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