At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
