i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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