New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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