i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
