I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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