i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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