I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
