I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
