I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
