The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
