John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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