Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
