you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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