i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
