my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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