The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
zippers are such a cool invention
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
