Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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