I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
