Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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