Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
