Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
