Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
