I'm drive I can fine osifer
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
