U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you had me at cake vodka
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
