is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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