Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
