And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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