my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
