So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
