Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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