So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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