It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
