I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
